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Relationships & Boundaries

This page is about the Dynamic nature of relationships and the boundaries between or among their elements.

A brief overview:
Between any 2 objects or people there is a boundary.
The nature of this boundary determines if or how they will interact, and how that relationship will function or become dysfunctional. I primarily care about 2 sets of boundaries: Those between the internal parts of a person, and those between the person and all those they interact with.

The crucial aspect is what does, doesn't or only partially goes through that boundary, in BOTH directions. Thus 3 possible conditions in each direction:

• 0 - Nothing goes across the boundary. In everyday terms we often call it a 'wall' especially when the boundary is to our emotions, or another's emotions. Using mathematical notation, understood around the world, I call that 0, nothing, nada. In electrical terms it is an 'open' circuit, no electrons flows across it.
  


• 1 - Everything goes across the boundary, NO restrictions! This is like connecting 2 circuits with a heavy piece of wire, a short circuit. In personal terms, the recipient of a communication cannot or will not be able to refuse the communication, usually a command and any feedback the recipient initiates will usually be totally ignored. Examples: Personal boundary violations, and the state of being anesthetized by a snake, spider, or sociopath.
  This is the total control over another person that many unbalanced people exhibit or at least desire. Internally, it can be total control of the heart (emotions) by the head (rational mind) or its opposite total control of the head by the heart. In some relationships, the recipient of a communication can accept, reject, or partially accept a communication and is free to initiate feedback.
  


• % - S o m e - a select few things, cross the boundary in each direction. This is often the healthiest, yet also the most challenging. It requires some discrimination, some sorting out to accept parts of a communication and reject or refute other parts. It also requires a willingness to perceive events, actions and words, not in an all or nothing, white or black fashion, but to search for relative degrees of truth. This applies when we communicate both with others and internally between our various parts, or pieces, or states, etc. A useful question here is:
  
  

  "When does a difference make a difference"?

Now let's look at those 2 directions:

There are 2 main types of interpersonal relationships:

• Hierarchical - up-down, teacher-student, parent-child, Top-dog-Under-dog, boss-employee, etc. Typically a power differential. Here the Purpose of the 2 sides is usually Command and Feedback. Top-dog issues Commands, and Under-dog, accepts or rejects those commands and then initiates Feedback, which can in turn be received, by Top-dog, not at all, totally, or partially.
  


• Symmetrical or peer to peer among equals, as in, hopefully, marriages, siblings, co-workers, neighbors and friendships. Here Command and Feedback should flow back and forth with a natural rhythm, like the tide coming in and out, or breathing in and out. Another example is a dance, like a Polka, or square dance, where leader and follower alternate rapidly. In sports, we see this in tennis, basketball, and hockey, where roles change very rapidly, and everybody has to be willing and able to assume all roles.
  When we see power struggles, territorial or turf wars, and international conflicts, there is usually an im-balance in power.

Here's 2 graphics that illustrate this phenomenon, one Hierarchical, one Symmetrical:
Print them out and try it with some relationships that have puzzled you.

Last Updated: Saturday, Apr. 28, 2012 5:15 PM

Comments, questions:

Bob's Blog

Related pages:

• A mind map of the various Paradigms, Models, related articles etc. is at: Sitemap
• A summary in slide format is at: Overview Slides
• A Narrative Description is at Founder's Narrative
• Glossary for definitions of my terms.
  

Certified RFR - Rat Free Research:
All my studies have been conducted by Individual humans, with Individual humans, and for Individual humans. No rats have ever been harmed or even inconvenienced.

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